In conversation today with a friend, I pondered why my interest in anything is completely hot or cold. I’m either intensely interested or completely uninterested. There is no in between, no even keel. This causes my interaction with others to be about me in more cases than not. Cause their interest if not inline with my current wave-length is pretty much insignificant. It sounds harsh to say it, but if I’m honest… that’s the case.
It’s common for me to be in conversation with someone and do the minimal amount of interaction to qualify as a conversation…. While thinking about something completely different. Usually something completely random and insignificant to my life except my desire to understand something. I’m good in a conversation that is about me discovering details about something of interest at the moment. But as soon as that interest is gone, I’m in a whole different world.
Why is this ? Hell if I know.
Today’s thought was that it’s about “new”. It’s like every topic/thought in my life has an expiration date. Once introduced, it becomes a goal to understand it fully, but as soon as I have significantly explored it. It’s gone for good. The next topic/thought will fully replace it.
Is this A.D.D. ? I really don’t know. The expiration date is not a set time frame. It can actually be quite long and lead to almost a hyperfocus on a topic/thought. Any diversion trying to divert that focus is met with great resistance.
Is it personal ? Naw. I know it’s not. I do care about others, and very deeply. But transition is the tough part. It’s like I can only be in one mode at a time. They don’t mix. If that makes sense.
Can I be understood ? Anyone out there get this ? Doesn’t seem like many people in my world get it, and I’m not even saying I get it. This is just my theory in a moment that in itself is expiring soon I’m sure.
Barry Gibb’s upper lip. The moment I saw it on American Idol (actually the lack of an upper lip), it was the center of my world until I could come to terms with “why”.
Cajun Turkey – I discovered it at age 37 and it became an obsession till it expired. I couldn’t just add it to a rotation of meals… It needed to be constant. Now.. it doesn’t exist in my world.
So… the new goal is to try an experiment called – It’s all about you. I’m going to try and make all my conversations be about learning about others. As if my thoughts/feelings are meaningless. The goal will be to learn all I can about anyone I talk to. In thinking about it, it’s still about me… as I have a goal to experience a change in me. But… I have to start somewhere. Now I just need to guard myself from having something they say create a new though process that doesn’t include them.
Is there hope ? Anyone out there understand all this ? If you got this far, it’s a strong possibility you do. If so, let me know. Power in numbers, maybe we can find a cure or coping mechanism. deal ?